Who wants to run a marathon?

So we kicked off wedding season this past weekend. Saturday was our first wedding of 8 in the next 3 months. It just so happens I had another follow up with Dr. A on Friday, just in time!

I was nervous as hell going to my appointment. My expectation or hope was that he would give me the tests, and take me out of the immobilizer. Judging from the PT's thoughts, I would be out of the immobilizer but still on crutches.

Dr. A came in, tested the strength of the new ACL, had me do a few things on the table, and then he says... have you walked without crutches? Now... what do I say to this.

I am a horrible liar. I have the worst poker face, and I went to catholic school so I carry the jesus guilt. I have no problem shooting out minor fiblets on occassion... but for the most part, I suck at lying. I also know that you should never lie to your doctor about important things. I also don't want to get yelled at. So the following conversation happened:

Dr. A: Have you walked without crutches

Me: Ummmm... (look at Kyle, look at Dr. A, turn red, look down)... I may have.

Dr. A: Why did you bring your crutches in then?

Kyle: Because she didn't want to get yelled at

Dr. A: Why would I yell at you?

Me: Because you told me to stay in the immobilizer and use crutches

He then tells me to walk. This is not as easy as it sounds.... walking is no longer something I do without thinking. I now in my head (or out loud) say... "Bend, lift, straighten, heel, toe". Luckily my PT warned me and coached me about the do's and don'ts of what I needed to do to pass the tests. I also knew that my major weaknesses are bending my leg, and doing straight leg lifts. Straight leg lifts are not something I am good at. She sternly tells me that I NEED to squeeze the quad before lifting, or I will get the shakes, and fail miserably. Even doing that I might fail because my strength is so bad.

So wasn't luck on my side when he has me do everything EXCEPT the leg raises??? Yes, it sure was. And by was, I mean WAS.

All seems great on the test front until Dr. A decides to call my PT to double check that everything is going ok. He says alot of ok, ok, yes, ok, hmmm, ok. Then he's back. He looks at me and says do a straight leg raise.

DAMNNNNN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU PT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Son of a nutracker, gosh darn, jimminy crickets.

I do it, he says "stop with the baby muscles"... what does that even mean???? I have no idea!

So he tells me... you need to work on that, but you are off crutches.....

WINNING!!!!!!!

Followed by... 

for the most part... except for when you need to stand or walk for a while (ie weddings). Poop.

Oh well, the positive is... I am moving forward!! Baby steps. I will be at this walking and stationary bike stage for 8 weeks... then we will work on getting back to activities. I will take it.

So we spent the weekend up in NH- went to a wedding of a former dance team teammate. It was great to be with the whole gang, and super great that they didn't ditch me all night to be on the dance floor. We were joking beforehand that I should learn to do the Lisa Turtle "Sprain". Shout out to Saved By the Bell.

We all hung out and had a great time, and it wasn't a downer to not be dancing as much as I thought. The fact that they stayed with me made it less painful. Hopefully by our last wedding of the year (another dance team wedding!) I will be able to bust a move.

I'm sorry what? You want to walk me on a leash?

I waited to write this post because I was on a rampage, and I wanted something good to happen before I blurted it all out on the debACLe page.

Last Thursday marked 4 weeks since surgery. One whole month! It just so happened that I had a PT appointment. Up until this hell day, PT was uncomfortable, a little painful, hard work, but it was tolerable. I walk in and I am seeing the PTA today for the first time. Originally I would have seen the PTA every other time, but because my case is rare and also fragile at first, the PT stayed with me for the first couple weeks.

Let the pain and horribleness begin. After my usual warm up exercises, he tells me we are going to walk for the first time. This might sound silly, but I literally have to learn to walk on my left leg again. What used to be a mindless activity is actually difficult. I don't have full range of motion and I have minimal muscle strength in my leg, so even holding up my body is difficult. BUT that being said, I had already cheated and I have been doing it a little bit at home. He then straps a belt around me with a leash. Are you kidding me? I ask him if he's joking. He is not.

For the next 10 minutes I get walked around the office like a dog. I am not being dramatic. 10 minutes doesn't seem like a long time, until you are being walked around the office in front of other people like a dog. I now feel guilty putting a leash on my own dog because it is not a good time. When we are done, he informs me that I did way better than he thought I would, I didn't even need the harness once (ya think?)

Then I lay on the table, Highway to Hell by AC/DC starts playing and then I was literally on the highway to hell. Stretching used to be one of my favorite things to do-- now that word stretching makes me cringe and want to kick someone in the teeth. I made a deal with myself that I would not ever cry while doing my PT. Crying shows weakness, and I want no delays in my recovery. However, this pain is so bad that my face turns purple (according to the PTA) and I had tears jumping out of my eyeballs. I don't consider it crying, because my definition of crying is sounds, quivering facial muscles, tears, and ugly cry face. I did none of those things... except tears.

In case you are wondering... here is my montage of celebrity ugly cry faces:

Who knew that bending my knee would be so miserable. Also 2nd worst stretching technique of the day: laying face down off a table with my knees and below hanging off... then putting weights on my ankle to try and force it straight. Swell!

After I told him I hated him and that he was a horrible person, 1. because he is a professional torturer, 2. because he showed no sympathy for me, and 3. i like to bitch and complain.... I got the usual ice and stim and was sent on my way--

On the drive home I decided that starting with the leash of embarassment erased all my dignity that I had left which put me in a not so good place for the activities that followed. I considered never going back, but hello can I be more dramatic. Nope. I would show him. I would go back ready for more torture the next time. I just needed the 4 days in between to get over it and hate him less.

4 weeks.

Today it has been 4 weeks since surgery. In some ways it feels more like 20, in other ways it feels like it has been 1 or 2. I can't believe how well healed my wounds are! They look really good still. I have been puncturing vitamin E oil capsules and squirting it on my cuts. Many people swear by this to eliminate scarring. I also read that it is a complete myth. Since I am gullible, and since I have nothing to lost by using it, I might as well keep at it. I will try anything!

Here is what my knee looks like at 4 weeks (the shiny stuff is the vitamin E):

I am going to PT tonight with some questions:

when can go in a pool? (because it sure as hell isn't fun watching your husband and dog frolic in the water while you sweat into disgustingness)

when do you think i will be able to wear high heels (judging from internet research, 1 year-  but im hoping for a better sooner answer)

can we kick up my motion exercises a notch? (i dont feel like I am in enough pain in that aspect- my hamstring/quad PT is kicking my ass, but I feel like I need to stay on the motion aspect and be pushed)

Next Friday I have my follow up with Dr. A- where he will decide if I can stop wearing the immobilizer and test me on my quad/hamstring strength, which when I eventually pass will result in no more crutches- but I Have been informed I will not be passing next week in the crutch category.

I have a very challenging weekend coming up- bachelorette party at Hampton Beach. Lots of things happening, most of which i can't partake in, including the exotic dancing class.... oh well. Looks like I will have to sit on the sidelines... but I am getting used to it. Nobody wants to see Gimpy McGoo try and dance like a stripper. It would not be a pretty sight.

3 week update and ramble. Strawberry shortcake is so good.

Last night was my 3rd session of PT. I went in with a gloomy attitude. I had gotten a lot of mediocre news at my last visit so I was in desperate need of good news. Since there was a complication with my hamstring graft, Dr. A used both my hamstring AND cadaver to create my new replacement ligament. Having an autograft and allograft is not super common, so my PT wanted to be very cautious until she talked to Dr. A to see what differences there would be in me rehab. The definite differences right off the bat were the brace I am in currently as well as the timeframe for weight bearing. Usually when this surgery goes as planned, I would be in a brace that looks like an immobilizer brace, but it has hinges at the knee to allow motion-- not full motion, they can set it to give you more and more as you heal. I am in a full immobilizer brace of hell. Also, weight bearing is allowed much quicker when your surgery goes the way it is supposed to. He told her absolutely no weight bearing until July 4th. I didn't say anything at first, but I guess I didn't really think about what weight bearing meant, as I was doing it in the days after my surgery. That, and I don't really listen to people in general. I did confess that I broke the weight bearing rule last night to my PT, and she did not seem impressed. Either way, going forward I can now  be full weight bearing WITH my crutches only. Nothing crazy. I still have the crutches, and even if I wanted to I can't walk without them because 1. I have zero muscle control in my quads and hamstrings, which is important when walking 2. I don't have full range of motion and 3. I am still in a full leg immobilizer brace.

I walked into therapy last night and first I saw my surgeon's daughter- who tore her ACL the same day I found out that I tore my ACL- she had her surgery about 4 weeks before me because she didn't hold off until the end of the dance year like I did. Seeing her made me feel so much better right off the bat. She was walking normal without crutches, and she was doing some pretty strenuous rehab without looking like she was in agonizing pain. Granted, I will not be on the same time frame as her hamstring autograft happened without a problem. I will be delayed from that, but I still think I won't be too far behind. That was encouraging to me.

My PT then let me know she spoke to Dr. A which I wasn't expecting because he was on vacation. He basically said that I am still in the immobilizer because they wanted to be careful with the combo graft. He informed her that I am ready for weight bearing, and that I will be skipping the hinged brace all together. Once I build up enough strength in my hamstring and quad, I can ditch the brace and just use crutches.... then from there I will get off the crutches. It sounds soon but it is not. It will take weeks to get my muscles back to a strength that will allow me to lose the brace/crutches. I can't get too excited, but I'm not gonna lie, I was excited. Finally a vague timeline! I love timelines.

I did leg raises for the first time today and she said to do 5-10 while holding 10 seconds, I did 20-- because I'm badass and because I want to get the hell out of this brace.

Anyways, feeling better again after my dip in moods yesterday. I was feeling bad for myself again, but I am feeling way better now. I accomplished 2 hours of PT successfully and without crying or tearing up or being a baby in any form.

So my goal is to work my butt off for the next 2 weeks. That's when my follow up with Dr. A is and I am sure he will test me and decide where I stand with that huge awful heavy annoying immobilizer. Fingers crossed.

Here is a pic from PT last night-- how fun does that look???

I would like to thank my PT for picking at my scabs, because I sure as hell wasn't going to do it.

And also while we are giving shout outs-- kudos to Kyle for making a ridiculously good strawberry shortcake for me on July 4th in between my whining about my inability to crutch somewhere to see fireworks and refusal to sit in a wheelchair so he could push me to fireworks, and then having the fireworks cancelled anyways so I was pouting about nothing... typical.

Strawberry shortcake is like heaven in dessert form. I have no turn off switch. I could eat that until I exploded. I have to be given a portion and that's it. It is so friggin good. So good. Every time I have strawberry shortcake, it's the best day of my life. BEST DAY OF MY LIFFFFFFFFFE!!!!!

Thank you to those certain people in my life that know what I need and are always there to give it to me-- you have helped me tremendously so far.

The toilet is a complicated creature.

I'm doing it. I'm talking about the toilet. I steered clear of the topic while on drugs. I even left another 2 weeks just in case I was still drug induced enough to say something horribly innappropriate. But it is time. Going pee used to be so freaking easy. Who knew that at the peak of my 29th year of age, I would have such difficulty using a simple household item. To clarify, my kidneys are just fine-- but physically sitting on a toilet is a whole different ball game. 

Problem 1: Crutching myself into a narrow bathroom. I have to do the newly named by me "crutch side step". God forbid a room can be wide enough for me to face it head on. Nope. I need to crutch side step to get to the stupid toilet.

Problem 2: Lowering myself to the toilet. Squatting on one leg while keeping my other leg straight is bad enough. Then add in the fact that the bath tub is located directly in front.... so I can't put my leg out straight. Now I have to do a diagonal squat lean to the right. Perfect.

Problem 3: Getting off the toilet. Grab whatever I can, pull myself up. If anything positive comes from this situation, I hope that it is a stronger core and better ab muscles. Body builder style. Yea I'm sure that will happen.